Bear Xing

My senior year in high school was a time of great awakening for me. More than ever, I was certain that I was destined to become a Great American Author if not The Greatest and sincerely believed it was only a matter of time until my star would rise. Of course, all this certainty also meant that I could be a real arrogant prick when it came to my skill as a writer. I believed I was better than most everyone, certainly better than any of my lowly teenage peers.

However, this inflated ego of mine would soon begin to depressurize as the realities of life began to knock me down, one deflating peg at a time.

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There is solace in gripping with claws outstretched at the smooth slippery walls of the pit

Bottom will not slow up will not approach any slower

But the act of defiance in the face of that inevitable god

Is sometimes enough

Only there is no victory in combating what has been declared

No honor in exertion put forth in the name of shapeless ego

If the fall is all there is

If the constants of the universe at large will remain entirely unscathed regardless

Then the downward pitch is all that there is

And the diver alone can give it form, can give it beauty


Dead dry branch sends the blaze erupting
The air outside is cool enough to wear a jacket against the breeze
But step close to the towering flame and feel the skin of my arms
My face
Begins to cook like one would imagine a spit-roasted pig to feel


The faces across the way are obscurred
Laughing as they warm their insides
Pouring bottles and cans and flasks down gullets
It feels good
Listen to the crack and disintegration of the tree limb as it becomes ash


Voices speak but it is all noise all smiling hushed tones
It is enough to be present and enjoy the encompassing heat
Near the light of the fire the night beyond
Is so dark
Enough to feel alone if I stare long and hard into the violent whipping


On the ground beneath my shoe lay a small rounded object
Eyeholes and enlongated snout of a former mouse
Roll the tiny skull caked in dirt round my fingers until gently I let it fly
Into the flames
Wonder if I should have said something some incantation some solemn question
To the divines